Here's The Story
by Manchester
Summary: Eyeing a grassy vacant lot in the San Fernando Valley suburb, Xander thought, *Uh-oh. That place reeks of pure magic, not to mention it's the exact spot where a potential Slayer vanished decades ago. Well, Marcia Brady, let's see what happened to you.*
1. Chapter 1

"You had to bring them _here?"_

From the office chair where he was limply sprawled in total exhaustion, Xander Harris glared back at the older man seated behind his desk and polishing his glasses like crazy after expressing that disbelieving inquiry. At the very end of his patience over every zany occurrence in the last few days, the New Council troubleshooter irately snarled at Rupert Giles, "It wasn't like I could just let them walk around loose, not when they have no idea of what things are like now! I'm telling you, G-man, no matter what prophecies we have in the castle library here might say, there's never gonna be any apocalypse worse than having to escort the Brady family through the LA airport! I had to basically drag the oldest kid along by the scruff of his neck after the third time he laid eyes on some girl dressed in full Britney Spears regalia! Not to mention the perfectly wonderful ten minutes I spent convincing eight people to take off their shoes in order to get past security!"

The British director of the worldwide organization dedicating to protecting humanity from any and all supernatural threats opened his mouth, perhaps about to say something in response, only to be overridden by Xander continuing his lengthy rant. "I knew I shoulda gotten Wils to put a suggestible spell on the passports she magically whipped up for those kooks! Even if she was against this because it might have screwed up their heads even more, after the third hour of them getting on my nerves during our flight, I would've been totally fine with the Bradys getting zapped into obeying everything I told them to do, which at that point was something simple: SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Breathing hard, Xander then grimly stared at a composed Giles leaning back in his chair, as the two people in the office of the Scottish castle headquarters of the New Council waited for the echoes of the younger man's final bellow to finally die down.

Once there was silence again in the room, the former Sunnydale High librarian soothingly spoke to an extremely stressed individual. "Now, Xander, I realize you've had a very trying mission, but you must admit that after close to forty years of being stuck in a time loop caused by a M'zrintan demon, the people you, er, rescued might be somewhat confounded by not only what happened to them, but in also having to re-enter an entirely new world that's completely different from what they were living in during the early 1970's."

"Yeah, yeah, terrible for 'em," unsympathetically groused Xander, sending Giles another evil glower from his red-rimmed single eye. Absently rubbing at his eyepatch covering this missing orb, the survivor of a lifetime spent on the Boca del Infierno added in his grumpiest tone, "I still want to head back to LA and do something even nastier to that damn demon than just chopping off her head! I'm warning you, Giles, I better not come across anybody today in this place wearing a maid's blue uniform, or there might be another unfortunate accident!"

For the first time since Xander stormed into his office several minutes ago, Giles now sent a severe glance at this unimpressed troubleshooter, along with a stern rebuke concerning that man's former statement. "Really, Xander, couldn't you have taken that fiend alive? M'zrintan demons are extremely rare, and there's virtually no reliable information in our records on exactly how they accomplish their temporal magics. Also, we have only rumors and hints about any other possible side effects to the humans unknowingly held captive by those specific creatures. There must surely be something of interest we can learn concerning this, as the Brady family seems to have been under the influence longer than any- What?"

Giles had cut himself off right in the middle of his ruminations to perplexedly ask the last question, all because of the expression of utter incredulity that had just appeared upon Xander's features, at the same time the younger man had shot up straight in his chair to stare at his boss. Shaking his head in pure disbelief, the one-eyed man demanded, "Giles, didn't you check your messages yet today?"

Suddenly feeling worried, Giles waved a hand at the early morning sunlight streaming through the castle's windows into his office, as he warily answered, "You know I've been in London for several days until I teleported back here last night. I wasn't informed of any potential problems when I arrived, so I went to bed and then came to start work, just before you burst in…" Trailing off at seeing a truly evil grin flash over Xander's face, Rupert Giles now groaned, "All right, what's gone wrong now?"


	2. Chapter 2

Sniggering to himself while he levered his body out of the office chair, an upright Xander then strolled around the desk as Giles mistrustfully watched all this. Yanking open the right upper drawer of the desk and rooting around in there with suspicious familiarity, soon enough a triumphant Xander removed from the drawer a small electronic remote, to then point this handheld device towards the far wall, pressing the power button.

Soundlessly, the large bookcase at the end of the room that was Xander's target slid sideways, revealing behind this piece of furniture a large plasma tv screen attached to the wall. As he studied the buttons on the remote, Xander absently commented, "I see Andrew's still determined to be our resident 'Q', whether you like it or not-"

"Do you really want _him_ to be out in the field again, after those cock-ups with Angel and the rest of his group?" irascibly snorted Giles, sending a cold glance at a smirking Xander bringing up the menu on the computer monitor's screen. In a voice now oozing a very insincere tone of pure helpfulness, the New Council director added, "Nonetheless, if you have no objections whatsoever, I'd be perfectly willing to pair up Andrew with you-"

"You do that and I'll strap him into an Aston Martin DB5 ejector seat and send the dork into orbit without a re-entry parachute!" growled the former Sunnydale carpenter, as he found the correct file and started the video attachment. With Xander perching his butt atop a corner of Giles' desk, the two men in the office now focused their attention upon what started to play on the oversized monitor.

Rupert Giles' eyebrows lifted as he recognized the large area in the castle's basement that had been promptly named as the dungeons by the younger members of the Scooby Gang, even though there was no historical record of any human prisoners ever kept there. That soon changed, though not with actual people. Rather, for various reasons, vampires and other captured demons were occasionally placed into mystically strengthened cells in their Scottish headquarters' lowest floor, until this was no longer necessary and those caged creatures of the dark were either moved from the castle or permanently finished off.

That latter action was usually the outcome of one of the reasons for keeping vampires prisoner there. Every now and then, these blood-suckers were set in single combat against some Slayer at the castle, when that young superhuman female needed to pass a final test on how to successfully defeat their ancient enemy. In a very large and bare room in the basement, two sliding steel doors at both ends of this room allowed a pair of opponents to enter at the same time, to then battle to the death. For the vampires, that is. Magical shields placed upon the Slayers willing to undergo the dangerous contests kept these young women protected against any fatal attacks from their foes, though there was always the possibility of serious injury. That was why no Slayer could volunteer for the test unless they indicated they fully understood the risks. In addition, those New Council members in charge of that Slayer's training also had to be confident enough that the novice female warrior possessed the skills, temperament, and abilities to defeat an enraged demon during their hand-to-hand clash. While the whole concept might be a bit shocking to most of the human race, the New Council was bleakly aware that they were in a never-ending war against supernatural evil, and all that could be done was to keep their losses as low as possible. It was a vital necessity that valuable experience in combat training was gained before having to do it again out in the real world, where a Slayer failing to do her job would surely get even more people killed.

Nobody ever asked the vampires _their _opinions.

On the computer monitor, the left side of the screen changed into an image of the entire room, while the right side had several split shots from the cameras covering their specific areas throughout the currently empty space. An instant later, as the cell doors slid back, two figures rushed into the room, running with superhuman speed directly towards each other.

Even though he was used to watching Slayers in combat, Giles now caught only flashes of the deadly struggle in the basement room, with his merely human eyesight unable to see the swifter blows, strikes, and punches. Though, at the end of the fight, the Englishman was presented with a vivid image of a vampire in game face standing frozen in horror, while gazing down at the stake embedded in his chest, right before the monster puffed into ashes.

Bringing back her dainty hand that a moment ago had been gripping this Slayer's now-destroyed weapon, a very pretty blonde girl shrieked with joy, just before she eagerly started doing cartwheels and backflips all around the room, whooping at the top of her healthy lungs during every second of this. Finally ending her celebration to then strut out of the room even as this young woman was happily waving at the cameras, the computer monitor turned black, indicating the video segment was over. At that point, Xander dryly remarked, "Well, that was Marcia Brady. What do you think, Giles?"


	3. Chapter 3

Before Giles could actually say anything, he needed his normal routine of polishing his glasses, until the Englishman the offered a cautious, "Ah, the dispatching of her foe was properly done, though I must say, the resulting celebration performed by that young lady was somewhat…overenthusiastic."

Bestowing his wickedest grin upon the confused older male, Xander genially jeered, "Or like the rest of us who don't hail from the land of fog and tweed, you could've simply described Miss Brady as being a hundred times perkier than a sugar-loaded Buffy ever was! Even after your Slayer back then finished off a hard night on the Hellmouth by laying waste to an entire ice-cream shop, and afterwards gulping down ten gallons of coffee in one big swallow!"

Giles thought about what Xander had just said, along with remembering the reassuring fact that the older Summers sister was at the Cleveland Slayers House and unable even with her superhuman hearing of learning about anything her former Watcher thousands of miles away might utter regarding that very unkind remark. An instant later, even as he also allowed an identical nefarious smirk to appear upon his lined features, Rupert Giles said in a much more cultured voice than usual, "I couldn't possibly agree more, Xander."

After a short while of sharing a pleasant moment with his son-in-heart, Giles managed to point out to a still-giggling young man, "Xander, I fail to see any possible problem that might concern you. Yes, the new Slayer we just observed might take things to extremes, but time and further experience will surely settle her down. So, why are- _Stop that!_"

The older adult's impatient bark towards Xander now going into gales of laughter failed to stop this hilarity, causing an exasperated Giles to simmer in his chair, as he waited for that annoying child to finally settle down. Eventually wiping away of tear of mirth, Xander snickered, "Okay, I've gotta agree, joking aside, Miss Brady's not all that much worse compared to some of our other Slayers when they were starting out. Unfortunately, that doesn't apply to the _rest_ of Marcia's family."

As Giles jaw dropped in shock over what he'd just heard, he dazedly watched Xander punching the remote to bring up another video file on the computer monitor. During this, the one-eyed man dryly commented, "Remember what you said a few minutes back, about the M'zrintan demons possibly producing weird side effects on the ordinary humans stuck in their time loops? Well, guess what? It turned out to be absolutely true, and here's example number one."

Following Xander's gaze, Giles now watched what was on the monitor. There, he saw another vampire standing alone in the basement cell, with that monster warily looking around in his puzzlement for a few moments. Until right after that, the steel door at the other end of the room then slid open, and a second young girl stalked into the area. Bearing a close family resemblance to Marcia Brady, albeit having more youthful features that were at present extremely annoyed, this child stopped short in her walk, glaring at the vampire that was malevolently smiling back at her, delightedly seeing his next meal over there. Who, in the next minute or so, was going to be drained dry of her fresh, sweet blood.

Except something entirely else happened. Still glowering at the vampire that was striding with evident menace towards herself, Jan Brady then opened her mouth to furiously scream at the top of her lungs, "Marcia, Marcia, MARCIA!"

At the last ear-splitting shriek of her older sister's name, the middle child of a California family had her whole body instantly transform into bright green. This manifestation was unmistakably vivid on the computer monitor, which showed in crisp focus how that young lady's hair, eyes, exposed skin, clothing, and shoes had changed in various emerald hues. The blinding ray of light that now shot from the girl's open mouth was also this exact color, though the vampire that had been advancing towards the transformed human had no opportunity whatsoever to notice this, considering that the searing green beam had flashed too quickly across the room, to then strike and easily penetrate with immense speed right through the center of this vile blood-drinker's chest. Even before a shocked look could appear on the vampire's face, he'd puffed into ashes in the normal manner of its utterly destroyed kind.

Continuing to numbly watch all this, Rupert Giles then observed how this young woman immediately turned back into her normal human appearance, while at the same time, a satisfied smirk crossed her face. Haughtily tossing back her long, once-again blonde hair, Jan Brady declared in her snootiest tone to nobody in particular, "Huh, Marcia has to actually touch those icky things, but _me, _I can wipe 'em out without getting all that nasty dust over my clothes!" Snickering to herself, the girl shown on the monitor then spun around and swaggered out of the basement room, leaving this area empty, at which point Xander turned off the video file.

Glancing over at where Giles was still gaping at the monitor, Xander loudly clearly his throat, which finally attracted the older man's dazed attention. Wryly shrugging, the New Council troubleshooter explained to Giles gazing in sheer disbelief at him, "The best that the big brains who figure out this stuff could come up with was that Jan Brady is now the living embodiment of jealousy. Nobody has any idea how that's possible, or if there's a way to turn the kid back to normal. Not that she really wants to be like anyone else ever again. Once Jan found out she could do things her big sister couldn't even after becoming a Slayer, that girl told every one of our researchers, mojo-users, and scientists to leave her alone. She did promise her mom and dad she'd be careful with her new power, and so far, that's happened. It helps that it doesn't work until she utters the key phrase you heard. Still, we just better pray that in the future, nobody on our side makes that specific Miss Brady jealous about them."

"Indeed," Giles managed to utter in his most strangled tone, shaking his head in amazement all the while. Shooting a wary look at his sardonic companion, Giles suddenly experienced the dejected feeling that things weren't over yet. A sentiment that promptly became accurate, when Xander once more pointed with worrying zeal his remote at the computer monitor, and then gleefully intoned, "Okay, example number two."


	4. Chapter 4

Bringing his gaze back to the monitor, Giles was in time to see the basement room presented again, and with another person standing there. Peering closer, the Briton blinked at seeing nothing odd whatsoever about that absolutely average man shown in the room, who was dressed in a standard outfit of a short-sleeved informal button-up blue shirt, decent slacks, and leather loafers with tassels. This male adult had a neatly-trimmed, old-fashioned hairstyle a couple of decades out of date, and he appeared to be closer to Giles' age than Xander. While considering that, the New Council blinked again in vague bemusement, and as he brought up his suddenly-heavy eyelids, Giles felt a wave of overwhelming lassitude pass over both his mind and body. Feeling that he should somehow be a bit more concerned about what seemed to be inexplicably happening to himself, Giles nevertheless tiredly dropped his head forward, until his chin hit the front of his tweed suit. Despite this, the seated man in the office continued to blearily watch what was now playing on the video clip.

In the basement room, the far door slid open, and the instant that portal moved far enough, a vampire in game face dashed through the doorway, savagely sprinting right at the stock-still human standing in the middle of the room. This stranger didn't react the slightest to his oncoming doom. Perhaps this was because after a few more bounding strides made by the advancing demon, that monster started to slow down in his path, eventually coming to a dead stop while then swaying on his feet, looking as if he was about to pass out any second now. Bewilderedly regarding the placid human prey in front of himself that was just a grab away, the confused vampire managed to raise his numb right arm up almost to shoulder level, only to then helplessly let this limb fall back to his side. A truly panicked expression upon the vampire's deformed face now shifted into an enormous yawn, displaying every fang possessed by the creature of the night.

That didn't seem to bother the other man at all. Instead, with real sympathy being displayed by him, the stranger stepped forward, and he then kindly patted the vampire several times on his left shoulder. At the same time, Mister Whoever-He-Was now stated in a genuinely uninspiring tone, "Look, son, I know it must be tough being somebody who has to live on blood and can't go outside in the daytime. But you have to look on the bright side. After all, with the chance of eternal life, you've got the opportunity to be really good at something, if you just apply yourself, for however long it takes. Tell me…have you ever considered a career in architecture?"

In the castle office, Rupert Giles abruptly slammed himself back in his chair, eyes snapping open in sheer shock as the Englishman recoiled at what then happened in the video clip. Completely shaken out of his unnatural lethargy, Giles stuttered out loud, "I…I've never before seen a vampire commit suicide like that, tearing off his own head with his bare hands!"

Several sharp _crack!_ sounds echoed in the room, as Giles looked up to see Xander finish giving himself a last hard slap. Rubbing at his stinging face, the California native then cynically commented, "Yeah, well, the a-word seems to be the real danger point. Though, even when he toned down his power of absolute boredom, once that guy started on family finances, Mike Brady still took only five seconds flat in sending to sleep a whole lab crowded with the people who were studying him."

Ignoring Giles' open mouth, Xander shuddered in real dread, to then confide to his amazed listener, "After I woke up everyone there by turning on the fire sprinklers, we managed to convince somebody who could easily halt in their tracks a full-speed elephant stampede to pretty much knock it off. I have to warn you, in person, that guy's still thoroughly dull. What made us really nervous is how his talent to project total apathy can in one way or another pass on through a recording. All it'd take for Mr. Brady to wipe out human civilization would be having someone tape him reading the phone book, and then broadcasting that truly mind-numbing recitation on every possible network and cable tv channel."

His face bearing an expression of grave concern over what he'd just mentioned, Xander glanced down at where Giles was seated, only to meet a genuinely suspicious glower from the suddenly-skeptical older man, who'd had quite enough of this. In his no-nonsense tone, the former Watcher demanded, "Look here, today isn't April first, but knowing you, I wouldn't be surprised at _all _if you couldn't resist playing such an entertaining joke on me, by coming up with people pretending to have those idiotic abilities-"

"Hey!" indignantly interrupted Xander, who then proceeded to aim the remote once more at the computer monitor, while continuing his irked protest, "I swear by the Greatest Dane of them all, Scooby-Doo himself, that this isn't any kind of prank! As shown by examples three, four, and five!"


	5. Chapter 5

In spite of his natural irritation, Giles still found his attention drawn back to where the screen was again presenting the basement room. Continuing to observe the three vampires now in that area, all of them standing next to each other while cautiously looking around the otherwise empty room, a man who'd once been the Sunnydale High librarian impatiently waited for yet another of the recent ridiculous abilities being manifested by someone belonging to what had to be the most bizarre family in existence. Finally having the last of his tolerance exhausted, Giles grouchily started to say something, at exact the same moment when the trio of vampires in the basement room simultaneously puffed into three piles of ashes lying on the concrete floor. Without any reason or cause whatever shown for this supremely surprising event being displayed to Giles' bulging eyes.

Unable to look away in his disbelieving stare, Giles feebly gurgled, "Xan-", only to stop short, as three more people then materialized in the basement room, each of this new trio standing in front of the triple ash heaps that were the last remnants of the destroyed vampires. From right to left, these strangers were a pretty blonde woman in her mid to late-thirties, a black-haired young man just beginning his teenage years and its accompanying zits, breaking voice, and insolent attitude, and lastly, another boy several years younger than the other male child while still sharing an evident family resemblance.

Still gawking at the screen as the woman there now gave approving hugs to the two boys (with the older of these taking the most of his opportunity during their embrace to furtively look over and down her shoulder in order to check out that female's butt), Giles dazedly listened to Xander's deadpan voice making introductions: "The lady is Carol Brady, and she's with her stepsons. Half-pint there is Bobby Brady, and the horndog is Peter Brady. I'm positive he's the most dangerous of those three guys."

"_What?_" yelped Giles, twisting around to send an expression of pure astonishment concerning that absurd remark at the young man who'd just said this.

Xander merely continued to gaze thoughtfully at the monitor screen that had stopped playing the video clip, as he went on his steadiest tone, "The weird thing is, we've seen- I mean, the Scooby Gang's gone through something like this before. Remember in my hometown, Marcie Ross, the invisible girl?"

It took a few moments for Giles to recollect exactly of whom Xander had mentioned, the high school student at Sunnydale who'd been affected by the Hellmouth in such a way that when her fellow pupils had completely ignored her, that young woman was affected by the dimensional portal's magic, turning into someone which could no longer be seen by anybody at all. And now, according to Xander, that uncanny incident had just repeated itself three times over here in the Scottish castle, though Giles had no idea why this should have his younger companion so worried-

His eyes abruptly widening in sheer horror as the answer came to him, Rupert Giles now uttered a deeply pained groan: "Oh, no!"

"Oh, yeah," grimly corrected Xander. "Carol won't be a problem, and we've got at least a few years without having any trouble from the youngest kid. All Bobby thinks now about his really cool power of being totally unnoticeable by anything we could come up with - science, superhuman senses, magic, or just plain wet paint on the floor - is that it'll make him the world's greatest detective. Peter, or Mr. Hormones, on the other hand-"

From where he'd leaned forward in his chair to plant his doleful face down flat upon the surface of his desk, Giles resignedly mumbled, "At his age, _I _would've already made a beeline towards the ladies' shower section of the gymnasium here."

Wincing, Xander reproved the other, "Hey, G-man, TMI." When that caused the nicknamed man to tilt to one side his head atop his desk in order to send an extremely baleful glare from the corner of the Briton's revealed eye, Xander then reluctantly admitted, "Well, yeah, so would've I."

Giving a massive sigh of surrender, Giles straightened up from his bowed posture over his desk, leaning back in his chair and gloomily staring ahead, to at last ask in his most doleful tone, "How much time do we have, do you suppose?"

A contemplative look flashed over Xander's features, before he finally replied, "Until the little voyeur somehow screws up and gets caught? Not long, I've gotta say. However…" As his voice trailed off, a faint spark of hope glimmered in the New Council troubleshooter's remaining eye. Glancing over in mild surprise at the sudden possibility of good news, Giles' eyebrows rose in expectation, only to have his mood once again dashed at Xander's next sheepish words. "The only bright spot about the whole thing - and it isn't all that bright, maybe firefly bright - is that we might just be wrong about which place Peter Brady sneaks into. Because if it's the Slayers' showers where they find him, he'll be for sure murdered by our girls. But if the kid is, shall we say, exploring his sexuality, then the guys in the Watchers' showers will just beat him to a pulp."

There was silence in the office for a few moments, as both men there mulled that over, until Xander briskly cleared his throat, and again aimed his remote at the computer screen. "Next up is example number six."


	6. Chapter 6

"Please, no more," begged a mature man evidently beginning to break under the strain, as shown by one hand suddenly clapped over his eyes, and the other hand waving in hopeless negation towards Xander.

That action only produced a sadistic snicker from the other male in the office, plus an approving comment. "Good to see you're already getting in the proper frame of mind, Giles. Not to mention that's exactly how you should watch someone with absolutely no dress sense."

Pulling his shielding hand away from his face, a bewildered Giles stared at Xander, who'd now hopped off the desk corner where he'd been perched throughout the last couple of minutes. Digging into his left pants pocket, Xander soon triumphantly drew out two small objects from there. Taking a step closer to Giles' chair as the Englishman looked on in confusion, Xander held out his hand while ordering, "Pick one, okay?"

Doubtfully obeying, Giles reached out and plucked from Xander's grip one of the pair of thick, pure-black sunglasses that he'd been offered. Uncertainly holding the protective eyewear in the same class as welder's goggles, Giles now heard from the younger man already wearing his own pair, "Just put 'em over your regular glasses, and then face the screen, Giles. I'll start the clip and tell you what's happening on it, because you won't see anything at first."

Shooting Xander a very quizzical glance, which was totally ignored, Giles now did as he was told, albeit a bit grumpily, as the Briton put the sunglasses over his nose, to then gaze ahead into absolute blackness. That caused the New Council director to growl towards the general direction of where he thought that blasted jackanapes was, "Xander, is this really necessary? I'm completely blind-"

"Which is the way it should be. Believe me, under no circumstances do you want to watch this without safety precautions. Not after what happened the first time. Luckily, Doctor O'Hara, the head of the team studying Greg Brady, was already a subscriber to GQ, and he had a few copies of that men's fashion magazine in his office at the lab. A couple hours of studying these cleared up everyone's mental breakdowns, but if you meet 'em again today, it'd be real polite not to mention their latest facial tics."

Now feeling truly alarmed, Giles began to open his mouth to start shouting, only to be interrupted before he could even get started, by Xander's brisk narration: "Okay, there's two vamps now in that room, both of 'em women, though that doesn't seem to do anything but make him even more enthusiastic. Now, the atrocity starts in three, two, one-"

A befuddled Giles then heard from the other side of the office, where the tv screen was located, a young man's voice that matched Xander's own California accent, "Hello, ladies! Have no fear, Johnny Bravo is here-"

Simultaneously in time with the horrified female screams coming from the computer monitor's speakers, the office now rang with Giles' desperate bellow: "TURN IT OFF!"

As he thumbed the proper button on the remote while using his other hand to take off his sunglasses, Xander opened his tightly-shut eyelids to glance down at the sudden clatter coming from the desk next to himself, seeing where Giles was fumbling at his lower desk drawer while tears of agony streamed down the older man's face. Rapidly blinking, the Briton ignored the pair of eyewear he'd just dropped onto the top of his desk, to instead yank open the drawer and immediately reach into this, pulling out a gurgling bottle and a small, crystal-cut drinking glass. With shaking hands,, Giles managed to fill this tumbler nearly up to the brim with a brownish fluid, and then after dropping the bottle of twenty-year Talisker back into the drawer, the director finished off his blasphemous actions by knocking back the entire glass in one gulp.

Patiently waiting until Giles stopped shuddering, both from the booze and his recent shock, Xander then nonchalantly mused, "If this was an actual comic book, Greg Brady's superhero secret identity would be called Kitsch-man. Show him an entire Brooks Brothers shop, and that guy would unerringly pick out an outfit composed of sheer bad taste. He'd then act like a complete dork all while wearing, to quote him, 'really groovy clothes.' He still keeps missing how this results in effects ranging from mere blindness to actual lethality to other people in his vicinity. You really _don't _want to know what happened to those vamps after a couple seconds of unprotected exposure to him."

Pausing while wiping dry his damp face with his silk handkerchief taken from his expertly-cut tweed suit, a very worried Giles apprehensively asked, "There's no chance whatever of that wanker and his hideous attire escaping from captivity, I hope? Please tell me you're keeping him in our most secure cell, with armed guards there around the clock!"

After those last words, Giles make a final dab with his handkerchief at his eyes, which made him fail to notice how Xander's face shifted into absolute blankness for a moment. By the time the older man looked up again, his guest was once more in his normal cheerful attitude, as Xander reassured the anxious New Council director. "Oh, relax, Giles. Greg Brady's in the safest place for him now, and he's wearing a considerably toned-down wardrobe, without a single peace sign anywhere on his clothes."

Breathing a loud sigh of relief over that welcome news, Giles' sudden good mood instantly evaporated at seeing the Remote of Dread coming up again. Frantically protesting, the Englishman squawked, "No more, blast it! I've had quite enough-"

Bestowing a cold eye upon a cowardly cur who should be positively ashamed of himself, Xander snorted in deep disdain, "Dammit, act like you've got a pair! To quote a personal hero of mine, the fabulous fowl known as Superchicken, 'You knew this job was dangerous when you took it!'" Glowering at a very offended Giles, Xander's features then abruptly shifted into a thoughtful expression, as he then acknowledged, "Still, I have to say, the last of 'em, she's gotta be the scariest one in the whole family."


	7. Chapter 7

Red Ned Campbell had very little to show for the years of education that the city of Glasgow had tried to give the teenage thug, aside from two things. One was the delightful experience at the age of fourteen in breaking his maths teacher's jaw, which had ended any kind of subsequent schooling without bars on the windows. The other was the sullen resentment caused by discovering in history class that he'd been born more than a millennium out of his proper circumstances. Considering that he was six and a half feet tall and over a yard wide at the shoulders, while also possessing enough fiery-red hair on his head and face to stuff a mattress, twelve hundred years ago this vicious young hooligan would have been more than happy to take up his natural career as a Viking, ravaging the Sassenach whenever possible. Aye, raping and looting and pillaging (and _then_ burning) sounded like a proper life for a bloke.

Well, unlife as a forever-twenty vampire wasn't all that bad, either. Ned had managed to put the boot to the first two arse-faced attackers, but the third one had gotten him, right in the neck. Over the next couple of days, nobody found his body in the filthy cellar where he'd nipped in to have a quick piss, so there wasn't the tiresome bother of digging himself out of a bloody grave. Instead, the fledgling vampire had swaggered out of his resting place, not feeling particularly different from his former existence as a human despite losing his soul and being possessed by a demon. Instead, Ned now took the yearned-for opportunity to _really_ go to town.

A wee bit of a mistake, that. It'd ended with those damn Slayers tracking him down and giving him a good thumping, before dragging off the monster that had once been Edward Campbell to wherever this shitehole was. Och, he'd made them pay in full for their victory, back then and even now, whenever he was released from his cell. In between the time spent plotting his escape, after which he'd show the entire world how a Scots lad would do a proper slaughter, Ned had managed to fight to a draw a couple of those superhuman bitches. It surely would've been glorious to end their matches by draining the sweet blood of a Slayer, but either as a human or a vampire, Red Ned wasn't totally stupid. Any actual attempt at sinking a single fang into a smooth neck would definitely result in leaving nothing of a red-haired demon except about a half-stone of ashes, after being immediately blasted by the protective magics laid upon those pretty lassies.

At least today was going to give him another chance of a good stramash, Ned decided, as he cracked his knuckles several times while standing before his cell door. Things looked to be just like the same as what he'd previously gone through, the other occasions when the vampire had been brought into this room and then he went up against whoever was behind that sliding door. Fine, then. Ned was more than eager to start what his all-time favorite movie referred to as 'the old ultra-violence', if only to get the horrid taste out of his mouth from breakfast earlier. The foul muck his jailers served was no decent nourishment for a vampire. Cold pig's blood, his arse. Couldn't those bastards at any rate warm it up? Not to mention Ned was positive that someone was gobbing into the full bowl of liquid whenever they got a chance. _He'd_ have done it, after all.

Just when Ned had gotten into the proper mood to make one of those little bitches cry, the door separating his cell from the larger room beyond smoothly slid open. As he'd decided in advance several minutes ago, instead of his previous rushes through the doorway, Ned quickly leapt forward only as far enough to get inside, and the instant he landed on his feet, the vampire hurriedly jumped again to the left, keeping his back close to the room's rear wall. It was never a good idea to always do the same thing in a fight, except for the last part, when you kicked in their ribs, both feeling and hearing the wonderful crunch of-

*What the fookin' hell is _this?_*

Freezing in complete bewilderment, Ned allowed his fanged mouth to fall open, as he gaped at the only other person besides himself in the room, about thirty feet away on the other side of the basement area.

It was a wee bitty girl.

About ten years old or younger, with bright blonde hair curled in ringlets on the sides of her small head, wearing one of those knee-length fluffy dresses and shiny black shoes with blindingly white socks, this charming child was also cradling in her dainty arms a toy doll that perfectly resembled herself, down to the wide smile now present on the faces of both young females. However, the actually living little lady then in fact batted her cornflower-blue eyes at Ned, while also merrily giggling in absolute delight, "Hello, mithter vampire!"

Maybe it was the lisp which instantly made Red Ned lose any bit of whatever control or caution that might have ordinarily held back the creature of the night, given things had just gone a trifle weird here. However, this minor speech impediment, the very embodiment of vulnerability possessed by such a defenseless human child, now had about the same effect upon the slavering vampire that a dead and rotting humpback whale drifting in the ocean would have had upon a starving great white shark.

_HUNGRY! EAT! NOW!_

In an immense bound, Ned jumped directly at the little girl, landing right before this youngster, to then scoop her up in his clawed hands. Triumphantly lifting the captured child high into the air, the ecstatic vampire opened his jaws as wide as possible, about to devour that absolutely scrumptious meal in one splendid bite.

As for his potential victim still in Ned's grip…

Still clutching at her doll, Cindy Brady interestedly looked down, right into the glowing yellow eyes and fanged maw surrounded by a mane of red hair, all which belonged to the massive monster with the wide shoulders, brawny arms, and powerful hands with the steel-hard fingers from which the little girl had no possible hope of escaping before the vampire ate her.

Except at that very moment, these same fingers and hands then incredibly crumbled into fine brown ashes.

Held immobile by sheer shock as his body disintegrated, Ned ignored how his freed prisoner then plunged vertically to the floor, only to land lightly upon her tiny feet without any sign of harm. Instead, Cindy started smirking evilly upwards at her latest prey, who'd unknowingly gotten close enough for the young human to once again demonstrate her sickeningly-sweet superpower of transmuting anything that came near herself into sugar.

Magical, bizarre sugar that could still retain for a few more seconds the sentience and intelligence of whatever being which had just been transformed into several hundred pounds of a saccharine-tasting substance.

Ned was still unable to move as he watched with utter amazement the rest of his arms dissolve away, with the vanishing of the undead flesh continuing onto his shoulders, chest, torso, legs, and last of all, his head. The latter event happened too quickly for the destroyed vampire to hear his victorious adversary's next words, as Cindy Brady haughtily lisped, "Thuth a thilly vampire!"


	8. Chapter 8

A few moments afterwards at his desk, Rupert Giles finally looked up from having his face buried in his hands, to glumly stare towards the far side of the New Council director's office. There, his arms crossed over his chest, Xander was casually leaning back against the right panel of the double doors leading out into the reception area beyond. Giving his boss a somewhat sympathetic look, the younger man still declared, seemingly from out of the blue, "Say, Giles, just so you know, right now I'm gonna take my entire vacation time off, all at once. I figure that I've got at least a couple of months coming, so I won't be around for a while. Don't worry, I'll send you and the other Scoobies a postcard telling what a wonderful time I'm having at wherever I wind up, which I haven't decided yet. Well, adios."

Totally taken aback at that unexpected announcement, an open-mouthed Giles gaped at where Xander now swiftly straightened up, turned around, yanked open one of the double doors, and leaving this ajar, began to exit the office, all of this done in the most hurried manner possible. Just as his Sunnydale comrade passed through the doorway, the Englishman at last regained his senses, barely in time to bellow after the pusillanimous poltroon deserting in the face of the enemy: "DON'T YOU DARE-! What about the bloody Brady family, you young idiot?"

Stopping in his tracks a few steps away into the reception area, Xander slowly spun around, while keeping his head turned to one side, as if gazing at something elsewhere in that room out of Giles' line of sight. Allowing a truly weird grin to appear upon his features, even as he refused to look at where the former high-school librarian was seated at his desk, Xander blandly replied, "Oh, them? They're right here, outside your office, where they've been waiting throughout our whole little chat. Thanks for your patience, folks! Now, if you'll just go inside, Mr. Giles is really eager to meet you all and welcome you to the New Council! I'm sure you'll have a great time together with him, Mike, Carol, Marcia, Greg, Jan, Peter, Cindy, and Bobby!"

* * *

Five minutes later, after a quick visit to his castle apartment to pick up an always-packed rucksack for unforeseen trips to any place in the world, Xander Harris was dashing through the crowded castle corridors filled with other employees of the New Council. The various Slayers, Watchers, and the castle's support staff promptly made way for the man hurrying to the ancient building's specific room with the Red Witch's teleportation spells laid upon this, that allowed instant transportation to anywhere throughout the entire planet in times of crisis. The numerous members of this supernatural organization flattening themselves against the corridor walls to let Xander go by in his near-run probably thought that this man's urgency was necessary due to an emergency or other calamity caused by their groups' demonic foes.

Or it might have simply been because throughout it all, Xander was loudly cackling in evil amusement to himself, sounding exactly like every single happy hyena anticipating a good dinner during Disney's entire _The Lion King_ franchise. Film, television, the Broadway musical, computer games, _and_ the cast recording. Combined.

Unknowingly leaving behind himself in the corridor some very worried people, Xander continued his purposeful sprint towards the teleportation room. The doorway to this place where he was going to make his escape was right before the one-eyed man, until Xander was suddenly forced to skid to a complete halt in front of this, lest he run directly into the startled young lady coming through the door of that room.

Recoiling from the near-collision, Dawn Summers clutched at the handle of her rolling suitcase, to then stare in surprise at the familiar scarred face of her Sunnydale friend trying to keep his balance, with his large rucksack being carried on his back nearly tipping him over. After he managed to stay on his feet, Xander now heard from a very irritated girl, "Xan, will you _look_ where you're going? What's the big hurry, any-"

"Dawn!" beamed Xander, casting a quick glance at the beautiful college student in her last year at Oxford. His attention was mainly upon the younger Summers sister's luggage, as an unexpected thought burst in his brain. Without actually thinking it through, Xander asked, "Are you moving back here?"

The Key blinked at that unanticipated question, before answering, "Wha- Yes, it's the break between Trinity and Michaelmas terms." Seeing Xander's blank face over that confusing explanation, Dawn sighed and further clarified, "Back home, we call it summer vacation. I was going to hang around here a few days before deciding if I wanted to travel to someplace else to relax, or stay at the castle and help out."

A maniacal grin revealed every gleaming tooth in Xander's mouth, as he enthusiastically declared, "That's absolutely perfect! I'm going on my own vacation, so, uh, would you like to come with me?"

Dawn's jaw dropped over hearing that completely unexpected offer from someone she'd once had an intense crush over back in her early teenage years at Sunnydale, when she'd still thought she was an ordinary human girl. Her amazement only deepened further, when Xander anxiously bounced on his feet, while shooting a wary glance upwards at the corridor ceiling, to then try for actual nonchalance in his next rushed comment, "Ah, no pressure, Dawnstar, but, um, could you decide right now? Like in the next two seconds? Before the screams and explosions actually start?"

"What did you _do, _Xan?" instantly demanded Dawn, glowering at the sheepish man before herself.

"Look, I'll be more than glad to explain it all, honest," whined Xander while wilting a trifle under Dawn's truly skeptical look, but the former carpenter managed to rally enough to scuttle forward next to his friend and reach out with his fingers to grip the edge of her right blouse sleeve while gently tugging her along, as he shuffled towards the door to the teleportation room. As Dawn unthinkingly turned and began to accompany Xander while pulling after herself the rolling suitcase filled with her vacation clothes, she dazedly listened to the rest of her companion's mystifying details: "Let's just say right now, it's best to begin when we're both a couple of thousand miles from here!"

Somehow beginning to feel amused about the whole ridiculous affair despite herself, Dawn had a slow smile appear on her features as in the end she made up her mind, but she still firmly told someone who really needed to be kept in his place, "Okay, okay, I'll come! Just stop yanking! Where are we going, exactly?"

As they disappeared through the teleportation room door, the New Council troubleshooter's voice drifted from through this portal, an odd mixture of pleasure and uncertainty now in this tone, as Xander mused out loud to nobody in particular, "Ah, lessee, someplace I haven't been before, far away, somewhere nice- I know! How about…Maine?"

* * *

Author's Note: Eight chapters done! I'm telling you right now, there's absolutely nothing significant about this number and how many people are in the Brady family after Alice went to that great big Demon Dimension in the sky. Nope, not at all. Heh, heh, heh.

As for Xander and Dawn, just what possible trouble could they get vacationing in such a peaceful place like Maine, other than sunburn and overindulging in lobster rolls? (I take mine with drawn butter. People who want mayo on theirs are just sick.)


End file.
